Seven Tips
Allegedly, these are Seven Tips for Becoming a Great Writer.

Yet they have nothing to do with writing. Indeed, a better description would be Seven Tips for Becoming a Great Poser because they have everything to do with cultivating an image.

1. Don’t write every day – write when inspired -- You know what writers are really fucking good at? Procrastination. I'll elaborate on why you should write every day in a minute, but for right now it's good to remember that to be a writer, writing must be your profession. Would you take a day off from work every time you felt a little grumbly about going into the office? Better yet, wouldn't you get fired if you did?

2. Read narrowly -- Because God knows a writer should be ignorant of what's out there.

3. Write what you know -- Taken to its logical extreme, this means you should never write a pov character of a different gender, ethnicity, age; never write a setting you've never visited. (I wonder where that leaves much Spec Fic?) Oh, you my dear reader may object that the point isn't meant like that; I should look at it more closely. "Writing what you know is boring if you work in an office, so make sure you’re living a life worth writing about." Ah, I get it now. One can only be a Great Writer if one has the priviledge of abandoning one's day job.

4. Shun writing workshops -- This comes back to #2, because God knows a writer works best in isolation, with no one around to give perspective or call bullshit. And yes, all writers have bullshit.

5. Quit your job -- You're going to get a lot of writing done in all that freetime you have once you're homeless.

6. Drink -- Are we really using Hemingway as an example here? I know insecurity, alcoholism, depression, and suicide are all really attractive, but personally, using alcohol or any addictive behavior as a crutch will only weaken your creative ability.

7. Be extreme -- This wouldn't be a bad tip if it were actually referring to writing; you don't want to flinch when you're writing. However, cultivating eccentricity has nothing to do with writing and everything to do with being a poser. Being a poser will not help you to write. In fact, it may actively interfere with your writing because writing demands honesty. You are not a special snowflake.



For contrast, I present my Seven Tips for Being a Writer.

1. Get pissed off -- Spite is a great motivator. (Indeed, it's driving me right now.) More seriously, strong writing is driven by a strong emotional response, and anger is one strong emotional response. Analyze what makes you pissed off, and use it.

2. Do not quit your day job -- Not until you can earn a living wage as a writer. This is sheerly practical advice; you can't write if you can't eat. If you go bankrupt, you're going to be distracted from your writing. Remember your day job is a day job; remember that writing is a second job. Plenty of people work two jobs.

3. Write every day, whether you feel "inspired" or not -- Writing is your profession. Full stop. You have to take it seriously. Write at least one sentence every day. Write at least one sentence even if it's crap and you cross it out the next day to write another sentence in its place.

4. To reiterate, do not wait for "inspiration" -- If you wait around for some ideal "inspiration" you've built up in your head, you'll never write a damn thing. As I said, writers are good at procrastination. What's more, if you're not actively thinking about a story, any story, you'll never get to that beautiful place where the story clicks.

5. On that theme, poke it with a stick -- If you don't see an immediate way through a story or a scene, keep after it. Break it down. Come at it from another angle. No, not every story is salvageable, but if you give up just because it gets hard, you'll never finish a damn thing. Make it work. It doesn't need to be perfect on the first draft--in fact, it shouldn't be perfect. That is what drafting is for.

6. Read everything that catches your attenion, even if it's crap -- No, don't suffer through reading something if you really don't want to read it anymore, but as a writer you need to know what's out there. Reading good things is important, but reading crap can be useful, too. Reading crap 1) can be entertaining, 2) is often instructive, and 3) may very well get you pissed off. (See #1) This is even more important if you're writing a particular genre or trope; you have to know what's been done otherwise you run the risk of coming off dated, stale, or boring.

7. Don't be a poser -- Studied eccentricity will get you nowhere. A cult of cool will get you nowhere. Writing is about honesty. If you don't care about what you're doing, if you don't love it to your core, no one else will care either. Readers can sense a fake, and the last thing you want to do is talk down to your audience.


(Yes, I am wearing a hat right now.)

(Also, yes I am sober. It's ten in the morning.)